I'm not one that necessarily holds my tongue, you may or may not have figured that out. One thing that I know that I do a lot is swear... Fuckin' A, I swear a lot. Some people see this is being unnecessary, uneducated, juvenile etc. Well, to that I say Go Fuck Yourself. Let's face it, sometimes (All the time) there is nothing better than just letting a good F-Bomb fly. Sometimes the situation just calls for it because there is nothing else that can seriously show our truest thoughts on a situation.
One thing I find is that the art of swearing is really all about context and I really think that those are worth examining...
The Surprise:
You walk out of the bathroom into a dark hall and see white ghostly hands coming for you. (This really happened, except it was my partner coming out of the bathroom, I was wearing all black and hadn't got a lot of sun..) Now he just collapsed into a ball in a panic. If the tables were reversed I probably would have screamed something like "Holyshitmotherfucker" and ran so fast into the living room that I hit a wall... Either way, it's these surprises that can really get the best of us. It's interesting to see exactly what our brains can suddenly come up with as an expression of our fear.
The Owie:
We have all done this one, and it usually involves some kind of house work or repair. I'm sure many of us have experienced this with a father figure because when they are doing their "Manly Duties" of keeping things running something, they inevitably hurt themselves and let some things fly.
This couldn't be more true than with my own father. In my time growing up with him, I've seen that man stack, tie and duck tape together, glue, weld, hammer, and just rig the shit out of everything and everything. He's truly injured himself in some amazing ways and it was always an interesting test of his patience to not scream every obscenity on the face of the earth when doing so. It generally happened that he hurt himself, he screamed "OW!" and then what followed was a string of grumbled obscenity that made less and less sense and just trailed off into him looking like he would kill someone. I'm not sure why he tried to keep it all in, I mean lets face it. By the time kids are 5, they have heard it all anyway. I say, if you hurt yourself, just let the swear rainbow fly! You've earned it!
The Insult:
Let's face it. There are people out there that just deserve to be swear'd at. The asshole that cut you off, the bitch at the grocery store that grabbed the last bottle of vodka... That fucking dick talking loudly on his cell phone in the middle of the otherwise quiet room.
While we may not just out and out swear at these people directly, we do in our heads, and do as well to our friends later on when sharing how our days went. These are great reasons to swear! They are helping you to let out your anger at a situation and we frankly need that because if we didn't we might just go completely psycho and start killing people. (Maybe the crazy serial killers of the world didn't swear enough....food for thought.)
I know this is one of my favorite things to do on Facebook. I'm really good at sharing stories about assholes and sometimes I really get creative about how I can show my dislike for someone. For example: Michelle Bachmann is the cuntiest cunt of the cunting cunties! (OH MY GOD! he said the "C" word! Damn right I did! That is by far the most horrible thing you can say to a woman I've discovered after years of research. It's like the grand insult and it is reserved for only the most vile people on the face of the earth. In my example it is perfectly used!)
So, with all that said... Use your swearing insults wisely and at the right time. And when the situation calls for it, get REALLY creative!
The Terms of Endearment:
This is by far my FAVORITE way to swear. If you are like me you have some very close friends that you can literally say ANYTHING too, and no matter what it will be taken as a compliment. (If you don't have friends like this, you seriously need some new, way more awesome, friends... just sayin'..) It is pretty common to call each other a bitch. At this point I don't even really consider bitch to be a swear word... It's so common at this point I just figure everyone uses it.
My friends and I are constantly giving each other backhanded comments as a way to show our love and appreciation for each other.
For example:
A "Wow, nice new car!"
J "Thanks!"
A "It does seem to be a little.....old-manish though... Automatic, uber padded seats, wooden decorative inserts... This is a lot different than the sports car you had before."
J "I want something reliable and comfortable"
A "Because you're suddenly an old man?"
J "Because I don't want to have to keep pouring money in like I did my last car."
A "Because you're suddenly 70 years old..."
J "I fucking hate you, you evil bitch."
A "Kisses!"
Yes, this is a common occurrence in conversations with my friends and I. Calling each other an evil bitch has become one of our main terms of endearment. Others include but are not limited to:
-Bitch
-Fucker
-Asshole
-Turd
-Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut
If you can't share your love for each other without constantly insulting each other then I do truly feel sorry for you... But don't worry, I'm sure that there are plenty of friends out there just waiting to be called a whore by someone they love.
I'm sure that there are probably some other good opportunities for swearing that I'm not quite thinking about as of yet, but lets be honest, this has been a long ass post and if you made it this far through all my insane rambling and enjoyed it, you just might be as crazy as I am! Congrats! Go do a shot or something... Not to mention I'm starting to loose my focus at this point, a cup of coffee can only do so much first thing in the morning...
See ya later bitches!
P.S. I'm so not proof-reading this shit right now, so just skip past my horrible grammar etc. I really don't care that much anyway... If anything I'm helping to show you what NOT to do. See! You're actually learning because of me. I'm like a fucking teacher!!! (And yet not getting paid to teach you, thats bullshit! Send me money now!)
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