Work email. An endless source of amusement.

So at work we have this email group where you can post stuff for sale. Kind of like a personal Craiglist for employees of our department. Generally this is a great place to sell your crap stuff and I have even sold my crap stuff as well.

Sometimes though the things getting sold, or the email that is sent, is highly amusing for all the wrong reasons. Such an email was sent today.

"A-hem... Attention commoner's! This is a HIGH END Stroller. You couldn't afford it if you tried, but give me a large amount of your measly paycheck (The prince listed in the ad was $499.00!) for our used goods if you can even afford that. It's in great condition so people will think that you bought it new and didn't actually sink low enough to get this second hand..... You're welcome."

Signed:
A Project Manager that gets WAY over paid.


I REALLY wanted to reply to this email with the following picture:

Because that would have been FUCKING AWESOME.......

The winter sucks, but fuck the spring...

(This is one that I forgot to post!)


Oh look! It's a  BEAUTIFUL spring day outside today!! Even though I'm trapped in the office, I can still enjoy this beautiful, sunny, warm weather right?

I do feel a little warm though all of a sudden..

My eye's are suddenly feeling a little scratchy..

...and burny,,,

scratchy AND burny...

Oh, and now I need to blow my nose, it's a little itchy..

And I'm having a sneezing fit...

And then the nice ladies in the office say "Bless You" every time I sneeze.. I want to react like:

But I think that suddenly screaming in the middle of the office is frowned upon... (Though it would be fun!)

I pop some target brand 24-hour Claratin. Within an hour I'm feeling loopy as hell, and slightly tired. My hands and feet begin to freeze, and I want to suddenly smoke an entire pack of cigarettes... 

These are my side-effects of taking allergy pills.... I'm assuming this is why people make really nasty drugs out of this stuff...

Either way I know my chances of getting more organizing of my Computer/Craft room is going to be much more unlikely tonight..

But at least I'm not sneezing anymore... And hopefully I can get the feverish feeling to go away...

SMH!

(But at least I can breathe again!)

(I'm wondering how many more "...." I can get in this post....

.....

..

.

My High School Sucked!

I grew up in BFE, otherwise known as Sterling, MI. (NO! NOT Sterling Heights, MI! Sterling, MI....) It's up in the Saginaw Valley about a half hour north of Bay City, MI.

I went to Standish-Sterling Central and that's where I graduated from in the late 90's. It was a typical small high school that actually had the Junior High down one wing. My graduating class was 140-something people, and the high school is surrounded by fields, and really the entire place, town, county, region, just sucks major ass. (And not super hot, I want to suck that ass, kinda ass. But nasty, drippy, smelly, smearie, warty, herpes, rotten, kinda ass....  But then again if you like your life in the sticks with no action, and with all the closed, overly religious, assholes living there..well then you'd LOVE it!)

Needless to say, I'm from that area but it NOT my home. My home is where I currently live and am very happy being here. (Can you tell I really fucking hate where I'm from? If not, please re-read the above again....)

Arenac County should be re-named.

Something I would expect to see in Arenac and Bay Counties..

SMH

....That now stands for "So. Much. Hate", don't forget that....

ANYWAY

When I was going to SSC, I was big into Drama..Huge Shocker I know!

So on my home home from work I commonly see the signs for what the local Ann Arbor High School (At least one of them) is performing in their Drama Group. This time they are doing Rent.
That's right RENT!

A musical about Sexuality, Aids, and Coming of Age in many different ways...

RENT!

It can be a bit sexual...

RENT!

Yes, that's a Drag Queen

RENT!!!!

Seriously.... I'm Amazed, impressed, and a bit jealous.... My senior year of high school we did Dracula and we cut out a "Sensual Hair Brushing" scene and these kids are taking on Rent!!??

On more reason I fucking LOVE living in Ann Arbor...

Death of a Friend

There is a lot that I could say.. There is a lot I want to say. This posting isn't funny, or anything like that, sorry.

What I will say is that Jake was a good guy that got himself into a bad situation. He loved his children dearly and tried to do what he knew how to do to try and be a good father to them. Unfortunately he got himself involved with the wrong woman. A woman who managed to break him down and ultimately put him in jail for bullshit reasons for her own drug induced enjoyment. This set off a series of events that ultimately lost him literally everything he had, even the custody of his kids. When he was released after 3 months, he had the clothes on his back and what little he had on him when he went to jail, that was it.

Jake was down, really down. We all tried to tell him that he just goes up from here, and he was even making plans to get back on his feet. The last time I talked to him, he said he hated his wife Samantha and was getting divorced once and for all and never wanted to see her again. About a week later I got the news from his sister that Jake committed suicide.

All I can figure is that he had a really bad night and in desperation he did what he did.

His "wife" Sam then paraded all over Jake's facebook page, playing the grieving widow. At his funeral she had posterboards with their wedding pictures on display. She made me sick to my stomach.

Jake is gone and nothing will bring him back. He was the victim here. He was a victim of his drug and alochol addicted skank of a wife Samantha, and also a victim of his ex-wife Liz. They banded together to kick the shit out of him for some unknown reason, and then made sure they finished the job once he was down. His death is on both their hands, but even more so on Sam's. I hope she finally overdoses on whatever she decides to shoot up with that day...

Jake, you made a lot of mistakes, but you didn't deserve what you got. Love ya man.

Jake Stafford Obituary

St. Patrick is out to get me....

As a kid I was all about St. Patrickss day. Really the truth of that matter is that I was into ALL holidays. Didn't matter what it was, it was a holiday and gave you an excuse to get all festive and fun. St. Patrick's day was no different. I always looked forward to going to the St.P's parade in Bay City every year and a couple times I got to be in it! I'd dress in green and paint a 4 leaf clover on my cheek etc. Totally fun, even though it was freezing out usually.

As I got older however, the "fun" of it all slowly waned away and it just turned into an excuse for people to get sloppy drunk on cheap green beer and act stupid... (Not a fan. The amount of people that I can actually stand while drunk are few... Generally they just annoy me and I get angry at them and cannot wait to ditch them.)

Exactly!

So, as you may have guessed, now days St.P's day really doesn't hold anything special for me. Sorry, I'm just a stick in the mud. (No really, I'm not overly fun unless I get a bit tipsy.. Then watch out because I'm a loud mouth and if I had a clone with the same attitude I have, I would pretty much be hatin' all over myself...)

With all this said, yesterday which was St.P's day was a normal work day for me with nothing special happening. Well, I think that St. Patrick got wise to my non-celebrating and had some plans for me to pay for my ignoring him. At about 11pm, I went to Meijer to pick up a friend from work 'cause he needed a ride. I did and then we started down the road to home. Unfortunately I managed to hit a Grand Canyon, Sink hole, pothole and it popped my tire. 

(See my last blog posting....)

So, I pulled over and turned on the flashers and all that fun stuff. I had to remove my craft-selling folding table from my truck (As it's been there for over a year now... Ask my friends as they were all concerned that I had a body in there for the longest time because it would bump around a lot. But no, no body...just a trunk full of my laziness..) Then I pulled up the carpet, trunk floor thingie to get to my spare tire. Thank you Audi for having a full sized spare hidden away back there!! I'm pretty sure it was original to the car as it looked brand new still. (Seriously, I'm the only one to get a fucking flat in the 14 years my car has been alive??)

I got the tire out and then got my jack out of the nifty side compartment that it's held in, in the trunk. (Seriously Audi, you're fancy and I love you for that. If only you weren't so fucking expensive to own... STOP breaking!) 

Now here comes the fun part. The Jack..... Want to talk about the craziest looking thing you ever seen? I seriously spun that thing around and looked at it from all angles for a good 15 mins before I gave up and just decided to try it. Seriously, the way it looks.... In my head Physics says no...

The fuck?

You put this thing under the car on the ground on an angle like that. The you pull the handle out and crank it it. It seems like this thing is really not going to work at all, but amazingly it worked like a charm!! Like worked really well actually! Though I will admit that I was just waiting for it to fall over and I would somehow end up trapped under the car....

I successfully got my tire changed and really felt manly after that. Because let's face it, me and manly are not used in the same sentence unless the words "are not" or "is not" is also used... I'm fine with that, I am who I am, live with it bitches! 

So I got the tire changed and then saw that the spare needed some air badly... Thankfully we were still right by Meijer and it's gas station. I got my car over there and pulled up to the air pump just to see it was already being used by Neil's coworker...  Because I don't want to necessarily (always) want to be a completely evil asshole, I will just say that I do not care for her...... or her trashy ways.... She just a trashy kinda girl that just emanates ignorance....  ANYWAY... We got the spare filled up and we were back on our way. I probably gave myself whiplash dodging potholes....

So we were heading home, and there is one spot you have to cross some train tracks. No lights on or any other kind of warning that there is a train nearby. I cross the tracks and out of the corner of my eye I see a bright light and the outline of a train..... Seriously! We crossed and I looked in my rearview mirror and no train... I did a double take then said to Neil "Am I smoking crack, or was there a train right there!?" He replied that he thinks that park there sometimes because Billy (My handsome partner) said that he has seen the same thing. I dump out the load of kittens I just had when thinking I was about to be hit by a train and continued on.

At this point I'm saying to myself, "just make it home without getting killed because apparently St. Patrick has it out for me tonight..

We continue on.

Into a fucking herd of deer crossing the road! I noticed them to be able to stop in time thankfully and they trotted their happy little (well Big I guess) deer selves across the road. 

"Come at me bro!"

Now I'm really sure that something is out to get me. Because seriously, how much can life fuck with you in a night!?

We make it home without further incident.

After telling Billy all about the nights adventures I get ready for bed because by now it's WAY past my bed time and I can't get up on time in the morning as it is... I go out into the living room to say goodnight and as I'm about to leave the living room I notice one of the cats starting to do the jerky lizard move on the back of the couch.... 

We have two cats and a chihuahua. One cat Mayfare, will do the meow of death which kinda sounds like the grim reaper coming for you if the grim reaper was a cat. It's a good warning though because it gives you time to chase her down, grab her, and get her onto the linoleum in the kitchen. (Easier to clean up.) Myranda on the other hand doesn't give a warning and you see her just start convulsing (The jerky lizard) and you know your time is limited. (Bitch) Well it was Myranda on the back of the couch and she was doing the jerky lizard.... So I ran over and grabbed her and then ran to the kitchen.... Not fast enough... Nope. Just before I got there she projectile vomited in mid air and it splattered all over the little bar we have right there in front of the kitchen.

Fucking Kill Me.

"My hobbies are licking myself bald, meowing in the middle of the night,
and throwing up all over everything without warning."

At this point I don't think that my mind could take it anymore and I just got that beat down look on my face and cried "I just want to go to bed!" Billy immediately fell over on the couch and just lost it in laughter. Neil, who was obviously feeling sorry for me at this point got up and cleaned it up... (I need to bake that boy a cake.)

Sleep went well that night, too well in fact as I over slept. Fuck! 

I got into work late (Okay, thats not to uncommon..) and the day proceeded. I dropped my car off at lunch to fix the tire. And then found out that I did in fact blow out the side of the tire...AND the tread on the rest of my tires was between 50 and 60% worn down. Meaning that they can't just replace just 1 or 2 tires, they have to replace them all. Why? Because my car is All Wheel Drive and replacing only a couple tires with the wear on my tread can potentially cause problems with the drive train (Or some other car jargon.) Needless to say I don't need to give my car anymore reasons to break!

$600.00 dollars later I have brand new tires.

New tires! Yay..... 

Fuck me raw with sandpaper...

The moral of the story. Make sure and drink to St. P on his one day of the year because his vengeance is a fucking bitch!

"Green beer or I will fucking DESTROY you!"

Swearing is an art form and I am constantly trying to find new ways of doing it.

I'm not one that necessarily holds my tongue, you may or may not have figured that out. One thing that I know that I do a lot is swear... Fuckin' A, I swear a lot. Some people see this is being unnecessary, uneducated, juvenile etc. Well, to that I say Go Fuck Yourself. Let's face it, sometimes (All the time) there is nothing better than just letting a good F-Bomb fly. Sometimes the situation just calls for it because there is nothing else that can seriously show our truest thoughts on a situation.

One thing I find is that the art of swearing is really all about context and I really think that those are worth examining...

The Surprise:
You walk out of the bathroom into a dark hall and see white ghostly hands coming for you. (This really happened, except it was my partner coming out of the bathroom, I was wearing all black and hadn't got a lot of sun..) Now he just collapsed into a ball in a panic. If the tables were reversed I probably would have screamed something like "Holyshitmotherfucker" and ran so fast into the living room that I hit a wall... Either way, it's these surprises that can really get the best of us. It's interesting to see exactly what our brains can suddenly come up with as an expression of our fear.

The Owie:
We have all done this one, and it usually involves some kind of house work or repair. I'm sure many of us have experienced this with a father figure because when they are doing their "Manly Duties" of keeping things running something, they inevitably hurt themselves and let some things fly.
This couldn't be more true than with my own father. In my time growing up with him, I've seen that man stack, tie and duck tape together, glue, weld, hammer, and just rig the shit out of everything and everything. He's truly injured himself in some amazing ways and it was always an interesting test of his patience to not scream every obscenity on the face of the earth when doing so. It generally happened that he hurt himself, he screamed "OW!" and then what followed was a string of grumbled obscenity that made less and less sense and just trailed off into him looking like he would kill someone. I'm not sure why he tried to keep it all in, I mean lets face it. By the time kids are 5, they have heard it all anyway. I say, if you hurt yourself, just let the swear rainbow fly! You've earned it!

The Insult:
Let's face it. There are people out there that just deserve to be swear'd at. The asshole that cut you off, the bitch at the grocery store that grabbed the last bottle of vodka... That fucking dick talking loudly on his cell phone in the middle of the otherwise quiet room.
While we may not just out and out swear at these people directly, we do in our heads, and do as well to our friends later on when sharing how our days went. These are great reasons to swear! They are helping you to let out your anger at a situation and we frankly need that because if we didn't we might just go completely psycho and start killing people. (Maybe the crazy serial killers of the world didn't swear enough....food for thought.)
I know this is one of my favorite things to do on Facebook. I'm really good at sharing stories about assholes and sometimes I really get creative about how I can show my dislike for someone. For example: Michelle Bachmann is the cuntiest cunt of the cunting cunties! (OH MY GOD! he said the "C" word! Damn right I did! That is by far the most horrible thing you can say to a woman I've discovered after years of research. It's like the grand insult and it is reserved for only the most vile people on the face of the earth. In my example it is perfectly used!)
So, with all that said... Use your swearing insults wisely and at the right time. And when the situation calls for it, get REALLY creative!

The Terms of Endearment:
This is by far my FAVORITE way to swear. If you are like me you have some very close friends that you can literally say ANYTHING too, and no matter what it will be taken as a compliment. (If you don't have friends like this, you seriously need some new, way more awesome, friends... just sayin'..) It is pretty common to call each other a bitch. At this point I don't even really consider bitch to be a swear word... It's so common at this point I just figure everyone uses it.
My friends and I are constantly giving each other backhanded comments as a way to show our love and appreciation for each other.

For example:
A "Wow, nice new car!"
J "Thanks!"
A "It does seem to be a little.....old-manish though... Automatic, uber padded seats, wooden decorative inserts... This is a lot different than the sports car you had before."
J "I want something reliable and comfortable"
A "Because you're suddenly an old man?"
J "Because I don't want to have to keep pouring money in like I did my last car."
A "Because you're suddenly 70 years old..."
J "I fucking hate you, you evil bitch."
A "Kisses!"

Yes, this is a common occurrence in conversations with my friends and I. Calling each other an evil bitch has become one of our main terms of endearment. Others include but are not limited to:
-Bitch
-Fucker
-Asshole
-Turd
-Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut

If you can't share your love for each other without constantly insulting each other then I do truly feel sorry for you... But don't worry, I'm sure that there are plenty of friends out there just waiting to be called a whore by someone they love.


I'm sure that there are probably some other good opportunities for swearing that I'm not quite thinking about as of yet, but lets be honest, this has been a long ass post and if you made it this far through all my insane rambling and enjoyed it, you just might be as crazy as I am! Congrats! Go do a shot or something...  Not to mention I'm starting to loose my focus at this point, a cup of coffee can only do so much first thing in the morning...

See ya later bitches!

P.S. I'm so not proof-reading this shit right now, so just skip past my horrible grammar etc. I really don't care that much anyway... If anything I'm helping to show you what NOT to do. See! You're actually learning because of me. I'm like a fucking teacher!!! (And yet not getting paid to teach you, thats bullshit! Send me money now!)

So Much Hate...

I'm just not hip enough to be up with all the text/posting jargon anymore it seems. I always saw people talking about things that upset them and then they would type "SMH".

Me being me, I could only figure this meant "So Much Hate".....  Until my friend pointed out that it actually stands for "Shaking My Head". Then he pointed out that it seems fitting for me to automatically think it had something to do with hate... (What can I say, he knows me! And lets be honest, if you are shaking your head, there has to be a little bit of hate involved right?)

Soooo, Fast forward to this morning when I get this email.

Hey Amazon! If you are jacking up the yearly price you can at least make ALL tv shows free!! There are still quite a few that you have to pay for....

Assholes.

SO. MUCH. HATE.

I would tell them to take a hike if it wasn't for the free 2 day shipping and my absolute LOVE of buying a bunch of crap off Amazon... Fuckers...

But hey... Come on! ALL free tv shows, think of how many more people would sign up! You would be trillionairs instead of billionaires. It's a fab idea and you're welcome.

SMH

Dog Food for Humans

It really is, think about it. Open, nuke, eat. Never really cherish...Probably want to throw up later....probably not re-eat.

I hope not! If you do you are sick!

But it's really nothing for me to judge I guess....I'm sorry, eat whatever you want.

Sick-o

So I work on a Help-Desk....

- No it's not as glamours as it sounds. Lately my day consist of my alarm going off, me making a VERY sad attempt to wake up, and then finally rolling out of bed when I figure out that homelessness would suck more than getting out of bed.

I won't go into details about my job as I am sure it's against all kinds of rules and shit and really, I don't need to give anyone a reason to yell at me. What I can say is that it's a help desk at a very large and well known university that I was not smart enough to get into and it's all Information Technology. Most people that I work with are actually pretty cool and I can't complain about that. However sometimes the callers on the other hand REALY test my patience... And when they test my patience I get annoyed and then sometimes I can miss something. ("I DID email back a response to the questions you asked me........Finally......"  GRRRR!) And then supervisors get all excited and I want to just slam my head into my desk till there's bits of brain everywhere.... (Not really, my skin needs no help in breaking out or looking like crap... Seriously I'm 35, random breakouts should be loooong gone by now.)

Sometimes if I have to email someone info or an answer,  I just want to send them a picture back as a response and nothing more...

(I love that damn cat. If I was a cat, that would probably be me except I would really talk and actually be that grumpy; instead of just looking like it and having people make funny memes out of my pictures...)

But in the end I keep my cool and just continue to be the nice (and hilarious) guy that I am, all while thinking to myself "WHY can't I be rich!?"  (Answer: Because I can't keep a shred of money to my name.. Shopping addiction, party of one..)

I think that we all do this though don't we? We generally hate our day to day working life and just dream about not having to do it. The really fucked up part though is that on most of my days off I'm bored... Mostly because I have no money because of all my credit card bills... (Because I hate just staying home most days, and I love shopping!...It's a vicious cycle..) 

What's also sad is that I have a TON of hobbies, but I usually lack the motivation. That could also be because of this never-end-fucking-winter! Seriously! Michigan, What The Hell!!?? It got to 50 today! Tonight starts the (hopefully last) winter storm! Seriously! They are calling for like 10 inches between tonight and tomorrow! OVER IT!

Have I mentioned I get to rambling sometimes? Sorry, but if you stuck in there then thanks!! LOL Maybe the more I do this (If I can keep it up because this is like my eleventy millionth try at a blog..) I will be better at staying on track.

Maybe not...Who knows? Time for a night cap, drink it up! Or don't.... You probably shouldn't listen to things I tell you to do.

'WARNING The writer of this blog takes no responsibility for others actions based on the rantings in this blog. You should probably just avoid it...'

-Jay

Top things that were said during conversations with me today:

"Why would anyone want to kidnap a child? It's like breaking into someone's house and stealing their bills..."

- Seriously, think about it. It's True!

"You are hilarious when you get mad!"

- I also scream obscenities...